I’ve had so much happen to me these past few months.. there’s honestly no point in even trying to explain. It’s rough.. but, oh well, I suppose.

What can I do to better myself? I try, try, and try to make things better.

I’ve always been the person to never be depressed because of something.. but now, it’s just so hard. My emotions are surrounded by the easiest of triggers. They’re going off all the time. What can I do to keep myself occupied and away from my thoughts? Away from my problems.. I don’t want to run from them, I want to face them… But I’m not going to be the one to ignore things and just ‘get over them’. I’m going to question things I don’t see fit and things that just don’t add up.. If I’d just get straight answers without loop holes and lies, everything would be much better.. But it’s like I learn something new about this relationship everyday. I just want to be happy with her. I’ll do whatever it takes. I just want to skip to the future and have the conversation with her, “Remember when we were at our roughest point? It’s crazy how we got through it all and came out on top.” .. or something along those lines.

I’m doing what I can save us…

I compare to how I clean my room. When I start cleaning, I have to make it a little messier so I can get other stuff out of the way.. Then I can really clean.

I lost the game.

Anyways, stress sucks ass. I’m going to get off here now. I don’t update this as much as I should. I used to talk with more detail, but there’s just too much anymore..

iloveyouJulie

I love you, mom.

I’m honestly losing everything I have going for me..

I’m pushing away everyone..

I’ve lost my mom, my friends, my band, and I think I’m losing the love of my life..

I don’t want to lose her.. I pray to God that I won’t..

I’ve had to deal with so much lately.. but I might as well expect that, I guess.

The transmission in my car went out after only month of having..

I have a job and I have to go to school.. This is terrible.

I got kicked out of LiveThisDown!..

Man.. I’m just losing it. Why can’t I just succeed?

I’m even pushing away one of the only people that’s trying to push me forward with my life..

And now she doesn’t even want to be with me anymore.. She doesn’t want to marry me anymore..

I’m a screw up. Maybe I’m just supposed to lose..

I’m in a downward spiraling depression.

iloveyouJulie.

I love you, mom.

What’s the point in updating this anymore? Like… Seriously.. I couldn’t write everything that’s on my mind if I even tried.

This has been the worst and greatest year of my life.

I graduated high school, found the love of my life, going to college, etc. Woo!

My mom died, my friend died, the love of my life is constantly ripping my heart out every night even though she builds me up so much during the day..

I honestly don’t know how much I can handle.. I’m going to go crazy. I think I’m going to snap.. I almost have a few times..

IloveyouJulie

I love you, mom.

You know it hurts much more when duct tape or even a band-aid is pulled off slowly rather than ripped off quick.. that’s how my life is.

My world is not shattering.. It’s breaking off piece by piece.. slowly, but surely. It’s hurts so bad. My world is just filled with cracks… and the pieces are just chipping away. Julie is my world. Julie is my heart. She’s more than infinity..

So when it comes to my world shattering.. it’s hard to explain.. If it were able to shatter.. then it wouldn’t break anymore so therefore it’d stop hurting, right? .. but when I say it hasn’t shattered, it makes it seem as if it’s not that bad.. but in all reality, it most definitely is. I’ll never stop hurting. Infinity goes forever. So does she. I’ll hurt forever.

I don’t see how she can move on so quickly and love me that much at the same time. I almost ruined her shot with another guy who she doesn’t even really know.. and for some reason she’s hurt about it… but the same day, she calls me her soulmate, says that we’ll be okay, that we’ll get back together… but first she has to do stuff with other people to make her feel better about everything.. She’s interested in Cody and what’s to see if it could work with him.. but at the same time she loves me so damn much? I sent Cody some messages she sent me.. she sent me them even after they had started talking..

“As much as I hate this whole situation, in a weird way its really shown me how much I absolutely HATE the thought of you with any other person…it seriously hurts me sooo bad. I dont and wont let it ever happen again. I’m never letting you go. I don’t anyone else takin my place… You’re mine forever.. No one else’s. I’m extremely protective over you..i hate seeing you hurt.. Last night seeing you like that killed me.”

She sent that to me.. even after she started talking to Cody and making plans with him.. and she thinks I should be understanding and accepting because I hurt her so much and that she’s just trying to see what she wants.

Sound like bullshit? hmm..

by that message, she kinda made it clear that she wanted me.. I thought so at least.

I sent him that message because he needed to know what he was getting into. He got pissed off at her. She called me and was like,”I know you sent Cody messages I sent you. Why are you ruining this for me??” I told her which message I sent.. She honestly tried to get me to tell him it was an old message. Are you fucking serious?

She said I’m hurting her sooo much by ruining things like that and was sad because she thinks I ruined things with her and Cody and that he probably won’t ever give her a chance.. Who gives a damn? She says she wants to be with me forever.. She’s just out to have fun while she can and she’s throwing what I did back at me to try to make it seem better. She spent the night with me. Lied to her parents about it. Her parents found out. She’s in a lot of trouble with them.. That’s my fault, too. Sorry I was having an emotional time. Sorry my mom died, I guess.

I had the worst damn night of my life last night.. as in.. Friday night. I went ballistic with tears and crying. All this shit is happening and on top of that.. it was the 2 month anniversary of my mom’s death. The WORST f—king night of my life. The biggest emotional breakdown I’ve ever had.

Of course I’m going to try to stop her from talking to guys and doing stuff with them.. fuck that coping method. I’m fighting for love. I’m trying so hard.. she just won’t listen to me.

I love you her sooooo much.. I feel like crying all the time now. She said she hates seeing me hurt.. but yet.. she keeps letting me get hurt from this. She’s not “trying” to hurt me and it’s not her “intentions” on hurting me over this.. well.. I wasn’t “trying” to hurt her either.

I love you so much Julie. I want you back.. I just want you back.. :”(

And now you don’t even know if you want me back.. all just because I kinda tried to stop her from “talking” to some guy.. She says I’m hurting her so much more and doesn’t understand why I keep doing it..

That makes no sense.

I’m only going out of my way for us to be happy. For us to be together again.

That’s what I want. She’s what I need..

IloveyouJulie

I love you, mom.

We broke up again.. after everything.. it seems that I was the reason.

It wasn’t about my age or that I’m behind on life stuff.

Actually, I got my drivers license and acceptance letter from Rio. I’m actually ahead..

I haven’t updated for the past week and half(almost) because I couldn’t bring myself to writee down what I did.. I couldn’t write down these thoughts. They ate me up..

The night Julie and I broke up.. about 11 or so days ago.. This girl and I started texting.. well.. that night.. We held hands and kissed. Doesn’t sound too bad, right?

Well.. Julie and I had promised each other that we wouldn’t talk to or do stuff with anyone else ‘cause there was a possibility of us getting back together.

I broke that promise… We got back together the very next day.. I didn’t know we would.. but we did.. and a few days later.. We almost broke up again. And when I finally started to agree with Julie, she told me she wanted me to fix things and get to how we used to be. I told my problems to the girl I had kissed. I thought about many things that night. Since Julie and I were on “good terms” again and I was the one this time to feel uneasy.. I messaged her on Facebook and told her that we should take a few days time to ourselves and go on break. I said we really needed to figure out what we wanted rather than her having bad days and ending it. I didn’t want it to keep going like that.. Well, that night, after I sent the message, I cuddled with that one girl and kinda felt her up. I didn’t even kiss her.. but it was still cheating. Julie wasn’t even aware of the break and that would still be cheating even if we were on break. I lied about it when she asked if anything had happened during the time we broke up and when I proposed our break. She found out earlier today. I still lied a little.. but she eventually got the truth out of me.

She couldn’t handle it. She felt betrayed. She felt like she couldn’t trust me. (Which is all understandable) It was pretty much the same scenario as we had before.. but it was me who did wrong this time… and she wasn’t as forgiving as I was. She told me she’s going to get over me and wasn’t going to try to make things better.. It’s pretty much up to me to try to fix things. She deleted me from Facebook and made it to where only friends can message her.

Today, we literally cried in each others arms. In so long, I have only cried over my mom and her… and Dj.

After all my tears and apologies, she doesn’t even believe me when I tell her that I love her.. but I really do. In all honesty, I love her so much..

This month, I did things that just weren’t me. I’ve tried to make things better for myself and others.. with lies. None prevailed. I didn’t succeed, unfortunately.

Julie texted the girl and the girl tried to put everything on me, of course. I’m not completely innocent, but it wasn’t all me. I’m glad she’s no longer my friend. I don’t need a friend like her.

You know.. there were a couple parts in the day where it seemed like there was hope.. but the more she thought about it, the more disgusted she became. I can’t blame her, though.

Things were going SO GREAT until this. In a week and a half, we were becoming what we used to be.. and I shattered it. It’s all my fault.

When I was finally getting ahead, I ruined it.

Like always. I feel like I could keep going on and on.. but I’d probably just end up repeating my apologies over and over again.

I’m sorry.

IloveyouJulie.

I love you, mom.

I haven’t updated in a while.. I’ve felt the need to a couple times.. but couldn’t bring myself to do it for some reason. Julie and I broke up.. It was terrible.. It really sucked.. It was because of me being younger and also not having all my priorities straight… like not having a license, not having all my stuff finished up for college, etc.. But I’m trying. I really am. I’m going to get everything finished.

We got back together the next day.. it was really surprising because she said that we were NOT getting back together ever, but she wanted to be in my life still as a great friend.

It wouldn’t be the same. I’m glad we’re back together. I love her.

Also, I got my pancreatic cancer awareness bracelet that I ordered from the internet.. I’m going to wear everyday and leave it on as much as possible.. for my mom. It’s been a month and a half since she passed.. and since then, one of my friends have lost their life. It’s been very difficult.. I even thought I lost Julie forever.. This has been the worst stage of my life.

But I’m fighting through. I will win. I will CHARLIE SHEEN!

IloveyouJulie<3

I love you, mom.

You’re amazing, Julie Tillis. I love you with everything in my heart. I miss you even though we just talked for almost 2 hours. I miss your physical presence. At least your voice remains fresh in my head. I never want to go a day without hearing it.

[7:29:30 PM] Julie Tillis: <3333 You’re the sweetest boy… I love you with everything in me. I can’t wait to be Mrs. Wheeler next year.. The thought of it makes me very happy. I love you so very much. I couldn’t deal with it if we weren’t together. You’re what keeps me going. I look forward to each day because I either get to see or talk to you. You’re the love of my life. And no matter what I say on bad days, I’m never gonna let you go.

[7:29:59 PM] Bobby Wheeler: I’m saving that forever. [7:30:16 PM] Bobby Wheeler: That makes me so happy, Julie. I love you so much. I can’t say it enough.. [7:30:38 PM] Bobby Wheeler: Words can’t express how much.. Music couldn’t even express how much.

[7:33:14 PM] Julie Tillis: I know exactly what you mean.., I really do. I think “bad days” are mostly just me getting super comfortable and used to you. Like, past the honeymoon stage. But I’m definitely still very much in love with you. There aren’t even words to describe it, really. Just an overpowering feeling of how much I love you. And how terribly I miss you when you’re gone. And how wonderful it feels to be held by you when I see you again. This is real. This is the best it’s gonna get. The best I could ever ask for. You, to be my husband, is what I want from life.

[7:36:00 PM] Bobby Wheeler: Forever and always, Julie. We’ll be married. The next time you’re having a bad day, remember this feeling. Remember what you type and say to me. I know it’s real. I know it’s true. I love you and always will.

I need to vent some other way.. I’m going to fall apart..

I love you her so much.. I know she loves me. She has to. Yesterday was such a good day for us.. In spite of everything that happened, I still looked past it all.. I still love her. I still need her. I’m not mad.

I guess that when it all hits… it hits at once.

Problems since I turned 18: My mom died. Told Julie about my real age and it gets to her sooo much because I’m younger than her. (Even after what I learned recently, that’s still our biggest relationship problem.) There have been a couple times where we’ve almost broken.. but that won’t stop me. … My friend Dj died. I’m probably going to be running into money problems. I can’t trust my uncles. They’re moving. My dad has to pay all my bills until I get a license so I can get a job and help.. and his money isn’t coming in quite as well as it used to because he had move his poker club.. Still can’t find a building for it. Found out Julie cheated on me within the first couple days of our relationship. I’ve definitely had bad nights. Depression was starting to sink in a little bit.

A lot? Well.. it’s only been a month and 5 days since I turned 18. It’s a lot to handle.

It would be so much worse if I didn’t have Julie.. She’s the love of my life.

There are so many cracks in my heart waiting to give. Once it shatters, how can I live?

iloveyouJulie. So much..

I love and miss you, mom. I wish I could talk to you..

alexffa:

BOOM!!

This is just sweet..